A life partner, a serious relationship, or a Marriage.
- What are your values? And what do your values mean to you? And how do those values apply to your life?
- What is it that you want in a relationship? Do you know? Can you visualize it vividly?
- How aware are you of the unhealed trauma or unlearned lessons that keeps poking at you? Are there any blocked emotions? Any repeated patterns?
- What are the goals you want in being in dating apps? Whatever those goals are, are you meeting others with those same goals? Or are they on the cliff (unsure)? Remember, you can’t take anyone else out of their hole if they are unwilling to do that for themselves. If someone is uncertain about their relationship goals, move on. It is not your job to change their mind.
And, most importantly, remember, no one can fill that love for you but you – you, dear love, are your champion, your own, and the greatest love of all. Find comfort in ‘thy’ self.
The better you know what you want, the better you can vet or weed them out. Yes, there are outliers – even when it comes to vetting them, but you will have a lower chance of meeting with those outliers.
Below are some thoughts in general when I think about dating:
Do many dating individuals even know what they want? Do men know what they want?
Do those in the bubble who want a serious relationship actually want a serious one? Or are those in the bubble of a “serious relationship” wanting to buy the idea but not willing to commit or not sure what they want because it seems like the right thing to do or put in their profile, and so it is what they are doing?
Why are there so many disappointments when it comes to dating? Can it be that it is because a portion of those disappointments don’t know precisely what they are looking for?
Understand their values. What are the values that they hold? Do you even know, in detail, how that connects or applies to your vision? And do you live by them?
Take a moment and answer the questions for yourself. And see if you know what you want or if you are projecting others’ wants on you.
Patience – Plant seeds, not trees.
When it comes to first getting started with these dating apps or just dating in general – you will most likely not just find something immediately– like use your magic wand and poof, it’s there. And like a story, there is a beginning, and then there are hills along the way, battles to fight, and then there is the reward of peace, happiness, tranquility, etc. However, you see the ending. It will take patience, keeping your eyes on the ball, and not falling off the cliff before the finish line. It takes patience and momentum, just like when you practice a sport or learn to dance. Honor your values and be within integrity by respecting your values.
And with that patience throughout it all, this will allow you to further understand and learn more about yourself. With every interaction, with each date – take it as something to learn from, more about yourself and what you want to see in your relationship, whether that be the connection or the characteristics; through your interactions with others, you will see how they are and then allow you to sharpen or better shape the characteristics and qualities you look for in your life partner.
You can get a feel, vision, or sound of the person’s intentions, whether they keep you guessing or testing you out, or want to build something with you. If not, get up, say your goodbyes and thanks — and leave.
You are in the long haul when it comes to dating, especially if you seek a life partner/ serious relationship/ marriage. And as that saying goes, what comes fast ends fast. What takes a while to sew will last the heavy winds.
Is it not what society or your peers find attractive? What is it that you want in your relationship? Sit down for 15, 30, or 1 hour to reflect and imagine what type of relationship or partnership you are looking for. It may take a week or 30 days to do this continuously. Feel, hear, and see (visualize) the details. What are you willing to give up? What are the significant things you are not ready to give up?
There are five most common areas in life – emotional/intellectual, spiritual, financial, physical, and social (feel free to add or remove what fits your life circle): rate the importance of each and see if any of these areas are also crucial for that life partner you seek. How much weight does that matter to you? Do you want that to matter to your partner?
And then, you can go into the specifics of each depending on how important it is for you and your partner to also rate high on that area(s) of life.
Journaling as Part of your Growth and Clarity.
Journaling has helped me for years now, not only in relationships but in life in general, as it has allowed me to understand and know myself more. Through this, I better understand my emotions and thoughts around a situation or person I was or am dealing with. Journal your immediate thoughts from the first date with each person you come into contact with. Jot down your first impressions. How did you feel? What did you sense or see for a future together? And then go from there, especially if you are on a second date. You can always come back to it. And see if it matches the first and third dates. Is the energy there? Is there a balance and mutual respect for oneself? For him/her-self? And to each other? I say this to jot down your first thoughts and interpretations of your first date because, down the road, it can become a blur, especially your feelings, senses, views, etc., and mirror what you wish to see in them. You will get better at vetting people by doing this because you will see connections and things to look out for as you continue to get closer to finding your love.
Don’t Self-talk Yourself into Accepting Hesitations (a.k.a. Red Flags)
Know when the boundaries have been crossed. You know it in your gut feeling, heart, or knowing. Trust. Trust yourself. But again, it is through you being grounded and self-aware that you can tune into your intuition (not rational mind) and your inner and higher guidance.
Many Blessings,
Sinay Scarr
2/03/2023
