1. Those that just left a relationship.
Individuals who have just left a relationship have not given themselves the space and time to reflect and restore themselves. By being part of this relationship, you are possibly covering a void for them in that last relationship, or you are perhaps carrying baggage that is not yours to take care of, and it is your partner’s responsibility to do. This type of relationship is no longer created for both of you, but it is a relationship of possibility three with one physically absent (the past lover). It is best to let them heal and only resume the relationship when they have worked, reflected, taken away the lessons, and have moved towards a fresh beginning with you if that’s the case. You don’t want to be cleaning someone’s locked home to which you don’t have a key. That is not yours nor your responsibility to do.
2. Individuals that are not willing to do their healing.
If someone is unwilling to heal their past trauma, it is best that you walk away while you are just starting the courtship. I always use my Auntie’s example when it comes to advocating and doing your own healing. My aunt loves alcohol. It has been her addition now. I love her dearly. But even having to have a whole system of support around her, the one person that can stop this addiction is herself. We can take each bottle away, give her the best counseling, etc. But she must be willing to stop, and only she can decide for herself is herself. It is in her decision that she can take herself out of the hole we tend to build around addiction. And addictions come in many forms. It can be through substances, but it can be in other subtle ways, like distracting oneself with social media to not deal with what must be dealt with. Healing is constant; it is not something you do once and then it’s gone. We will continue going through bumpy roads, and one must be open and willing to advocate and act in their own healing continuously.
3. Individuals that blame others?
Individuals that constantly blame others are still living in their 5- or 9-year-old selves. They have not taken full responsibility for their lives. Someone blaming others for their well-being should be a red flag, and one should run the other way – pero fast. Imagine if they are doing this now; later down the road, they will blame you for their lack of x, y, z. Someone’s core self does not change even after years if they don’t first change their core beliefs. When they are whole and complete, and it is not others who dedicate their actions or joy, they will be able to give you that same, if not more, amount of pure love and joy. You can also categorize this as inner work that they have yet to do. And they must be open and willing to accept their truth with all the false layers of the onion that were added – removed.
4. Individuals that are not open to their emotions.
If someone is not willing to share themselves with you in the most imitate side of them (emotions), how are the bond and connection supposed to grow on both sides? It is through emotions that we can feel, experience, and connect on a deeper level. So what are they truly connecting if they are blocking themselves? And if one side is only giving you their attention and/or body but not their communication on their emotions, then this would be a one-sided relationship. On the other hand, if the person is willing and working through it, that is another story. But someone who won’t give in to their heart, mind, and core selves (all three in a union and alignment) is not worth pursuing further. As I have said, you cannot change them if they are unwilling to. And know that this is different from vomiting their concerns or problems. This is not the same.
5. Individuals that do not want to continue to grow and expand.
When I was a little girl, I thought I’d grow up and be swept away by my prince charming, or at least that is what the movies portrayed, and then the song by NB Ridaz showed up at the right time: Perfect Man.
“When I was a little girl, I would set and dream hopin I would find, find the perfect man.
Now that I can see true reality, tears drops fill in my eyes, ‘cause there is no perfect man.”
Song by Nastyboy Klick and Angelina.
I started learning about relationships by looking at the relationships around me. Most of the relationships I saw consisted of or ended due to physical and emotional abuse or substance abuse.
But it does not have to be in such a way – a relationship can be filled with love, joy, deep connection, or anything you want it to be.
I heard a saying once; you can only go so far in your development (finance, spiritual, personal growth, etc.) as much as your partner is willing and open to going. Your partner is the person you will be waking up to and spending most of your time and energy with, the person you will grow old with. They play a factor in your continued growth. Growing up, I was afraid of having to stop growing. And for this, I always told my mom that I had to be careful whom I chose as my life partner because I did not want to be held back. And this can be the case if your partner is not willing to go with you, together, in each other’s journey. Just know what areas you want to continue to grow and expand and if your partner is willing and open to growing with you. If not, you may want to turn around and keep searching.
And remember to keep your faith, whether in finding your soulmate or in life in general (life on earth can be filled with so many unexpected circumstances, so remember that there’s a reason behind every scene or chapter in life).
Final thoughts:
It goes back to what you are seeking in a relationship. Are you dating for marriage? Are you dating for a commitment to a lifelong partner? Are you dating for a short term? What are your personal dating/relationship goals? Ask yourself what you want to build in this relationship – together for the future, in the here and now, in the next five years, etc.
Many Blessings,
Sinay Scarr
02/10/2023
